The Thing About Appearances; Self-Love and Acceptance
The reason we struggle with insecurity is that we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel ~Steve Furtick
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had issues with the way I look. When I was in school, I thought I stood out, being the most chubby one in the class. I was scared to participate in plays, dances and athletics, thinking the outfits won’t fit me; and that I look ugly while performing. This feeling of insecurity led to a state of constant comparison in my head with all the girls I was surrounded with at that time. I was especially scared of family functions and gatherings because brown relatives make this a priority to call you out for being fat.
As a child, I was good at my studies. I did not have many friends outside school so I spent the entire day trying to become the best version of myself. I improved at Maths, started writing, sketching and realised I was decent at it. I thought that my academic performance, olympiads and stuff will put a cover on the appearance issue, but someone or the other would say to my mom: ‘ get her weight reduced’ overlooking all the other things I was good at. So. Like I mentioned earlier, I was not confident enough to do stage performances, so I comforted myself by saying: I cannot dance well, I cannot act and maybe sports is not my thing.
It is often stated that adolescence can be a painful period in everyone’s life, and mine was no exception. By the age of twelve, I suddenly sprouted into a “ curvy, acne-prone teenager with greasy hair”. Just to keep you informed “ Maine bhot struggle NAHI kia hai”, I had a very secure childhood every other way.
I never wore jeans till my 11th Standard, thinking that my thick thighs showed a lot in them, I never tried hairstyles other than two pigtails because ‘ my face was very curvy’.
I started living alone in 11th Standard, and that helped me in a lot of ways. I could no longer hide in my home, had to get out, talk to people, wear jeans (if that’s a thing). At Kota, I met many people, no one really talked about weight and looks. I felt really good because the only things valued there was hard work and intelligence. I lost a significant amount of weight eating the mess food, so when I went home, everyone I met told me I look ‘right’ now. I felt good with all the validation I was getting that time. Got away with acne with the help of an extremely cool dermatologist who told me once “ you don’t need to worry about this, a person is much more than his/her skin, but just so you want to feel better, here is the prescription”.
After the JEE phase got over, I came to college. There were all kinds of people here. Initially, I was this ‘ introverted, fat, greasy-haired girl’ IMO. But this time, I felt, I will not stop. I will interact with people, make friends, and just try to be confident. Insecurities regarding my weight and dressing sense were hard enough to deal with. I felt I was not good enough/ cool enough. There were these guys crushing over girls. I used to think, is there someone who would like me for who I am? The way I look? The way I dress?. The answer was NO. At least none of them showed up then XD.
I tried a lot of things in college and they helped me come out of my comfort zone. I made a lot of friends/ acquaintances. One of them told me I was really COOL. Now, that was a big word for a person who had never seen any good in oneself until then. By December 2018, I became the person I always wanted to be — Confident. I realised there were things about me that people loved, that there are things about me that make me different. Everyone comes with a unique blend of qualities and I realised my blend was also worthy of love and friendship. I started loving myself for who I am. ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED. But one thing to note was I was still dependent on external validation.
Now, a lot of us feel that we are not good enough, that we should look a certain way to be more acceptable, or look like that one particular person; that we need to look sexy, that we need to look hot, dress up a particular way or dress up better. This sense of constant anxiety leads to nothing but sadness. Because the comparison is never-ending.
Then this whole lockdown thing happened and I gained a lot of weight. I went to the campus in September 2021. People being people, pointed out that “oh look, weight gain, pimples, underdressed ”. Some of my closest friends told me that I don’t look good now. But this time, it was different. It hit me hard. I realised that it is a never-ending cycle. I said to myself, let’s get out of this bullshit. I started accepting myself, I started observing my good qualities and not waiting for someone else to point them out for me. Now, none of these harsh comments made any effect. Younger Anushka would have started crying looking in front of the mirror. But now, it really did not matter to me. And, if some boasting is allowed, I am really proud of this feeling of not giving two cents about others’ opinions. It’s not that the insecurities are completely gone, but I am improving.
This blog does not encourage being fat/ unhealthy. Also, in no way do I mean, one should not try to be better. I emphasise acceptance. That there are a lot of things about your current self that is worth loving. Not anyone else’s love, YOUR LOVE. SELF LOVE. INDEPENDENT LOVE. You are as beautiful as you think you are. No one else’s opinion should matter. You are much more than your goddamn clothes, hairstyle, skin and physique. Your or anyone's worth has nothing to do with your/their appearance. And I got that shit straight into my head. Old ways won’t open new doors, so just be headstrong next time someone tells you that you are not good enough.
And if you are among those nosy friends and relatives, please stop doing this to the people around you. And to change, just stop remarking about how fat/ thin/ dark/ fair/ tall/ short a person is. People might already be dealing with a lot of insecurities and are already aware of what they look like. In my understanding, there are a lot of other things to talk, about and with anyone. There are a lot of things beyond appearances.
AND OTHERS, FIND ACCEPTANCE WITHIN SELF.
